Interfaith Marrige Part 3, OOPS! I mean Interfaith Dating part 1.5

Upon reading a post written by a progressive Muslim man regarding dating, I replied with the following:

I hope I can answer your question about how you can be in a relationship with someone of differing beliefs without forcing your own on her. It's easy and it's difficult. The first step is very very important. Do you believe the same where it matters most to you? If yes, continue to step two, if no - move on, you will not be right together.

There are fundamental things that a couple must know about each other to determine if they can make it in the long haul: 1. religion, 2. kids and parenting style, 3. household expectations (i.e. roles), and 4. anything else that YOU personally might consider a "deal breaker". Don't compromise on these things, it will only cause resentment in the long run. Also, truly know yourself and be able to be honest with yourself. This may sound trite to some, but I personally believe that most men and women these days do not really know themselves until close to thirty.

Step two: if you don't want religion to be an issue, it won't be, but make SURE that she is on the same page with that. My boyfriend of over a year now is Chaldean. We were each warned by a common friend that (she's a Muslim) and (he's a Christian) because of our religious differences. But, I am a progressive Muslim with a Christian family and Christian children. I'm also an interfaith advocate. He's simply not that religious. Religion is not an issue for us because we don't make it one. His exact words to me one day (after asking if he wanted to go to church with us - the kids wanted to go), "don't take me to no church and don't take me to no mosque". We do our religious things separately and we respect each others faiths.

Personally, for me, I find it is easier for me to find Christians and agnostics that accept me far more than Muslim men. Most of the Muslim men I know are very traditional. I have even been warned away from one who I thought had a true interest in me, as I was told, "he will use you for now and then his family will have him marry someone from his own community - NOT an American.

If my man and I don't make it, it will not be because of religion (I will admit rocky waters), rather it will be personal differences of which I ignored some red flags early on. If we don't make it, I really would like to be with a Muslim man, and I do want to get married again, but I fear the constant rejection from "not being Muslim enough" (yes, I have been told that) or a man that wants to reign me in.

BTW, a lesson I learned from my failed marriage and my parents successful yet turbulent marriage: commitment and hard work are extremely important. 

Also, in agreement with another poster, I said: It is better to be with someone like minded when you run the gamut with little kids. 

Marriage is a series of hills and valleys. You will not always feel in love, but you have to find ways to bring it back. Trust and COMMUNICATION are key - so is an imagination.

One last thought: "courting" sounds like what you should be doing. Ah, what I would do for a man that properly courted me (before and during our marriage). sigh.... wistful sigh....

Interfaith Marriage - Take 2

When I wrote my first post about interfaith marriage, I was speaking from opinion, not experience. Now, I can speak at least somewhat from experience. As some may realize, from reading my self-expose, I was born and raised Christian - Episcopalian, to be exact. When I converted to Islam, I was still married and living with my husband, who was Christian, raised Dutch reformed. He wasn’t thrilled that I converted, but since he knew how I felt about religion – that I wasn’t going to push anything on him and that we had both already decided that our children would choose their own paths in life (with our guidance to love God and others), it wasn’t a very big issue for him. As for my new Muslim friends, I was told that I should divorce, as a Muslim woman cannot be married to a Christian man (for more info, read my post regarding these opinions). Others told me that because I converted after I married, that I had no reason to end the marriage. I had no intention of divorcing over religion. 

I will admit that although my husband didn't care that I converted, he did have an issue with what I was going to tell our children or what I might do in front of them (pray or maybe wear hijab) or where I might take them (the mosque). I didn't feel it would be appropriate to have such a drastic change for my kids, so I agreed at first to "keep it on the down-low". I mentioned things here and there, and the kids saw me pray on occasion, but I would never take them to the mosque, unless they wanted to go (they didn't). Thus, things were fine in our household, regarding religion. 

Sometimes my husband and I would debate Islam and Christianity, as I love to debate (and finally we disagreed on something to debate about). It was apparent that it was going to be a subject we were going to have to agree to disagree on. Part of his animosity towards hearing anything about Islam came from his parents, who consider Islam to be evil. They questioned how I could convert to such an evil ideology. I tried to explain to them that Islam was not evil and the terrorists like Osama Bin Laden did not represent the whole of Islam, rather only a fringe element, like any other religion (see my post on extremism for more info), but my explanations fell on deaf ears. I even told my mother-in-law, at one point, "you know me and how important peace is to me, I want to go into peace work even - I am not going to convert to something that is evil and hateful." Nothing I said mattered. 

One day, while on a drive, I asked my husband if I could read a Sura to him. I wanted him to hear how similar to the bible it was. He allowed me to, so I read Sura 19, Maryam, to him. He was surprised at what he heard. Of course, we discussed the differences in the Jesus birth stories, but he admitted it sounded much like what is in the Bible. He allowed me to read a few other small Suras to him and admitted there was nothing bad there. He seemed to relax about my conversion a bit more and even told me I could take the kids to the mosque with me if I wanted to (I still didn't as I didn't think they were ready). 

Before I continue with this story... I should apprise you of some vital information. My marriage was on the rocks before I converted. There was some hope of reconciliation, but at his abandonment of marriage therapy, all hope I had vanished. This is a bit of a he-said/she-said issue, but the point is, my marriage was not in a happy place and hadn't been for a long time.  I don't believe that my conversion had anything to do with our resulting divorce. On with the story...

So, my husband filed for divorce about four months after I converted. The reason I was told that reconciliation was not possible was to do with my decision to return to school to study religion and Arabic. He was not supportive of this decision, but as it was vital to my health and sanity, I took doctors' recommendations to do so (another long story for another day). Again, religion was not the cause of my failed marriage, but it certainly played in the resulting divorce legalities and custody dispute. Perhaps I should have titled this post "Interfaith Divorce".

I was never so shocked in my life to read the divorce papers and see that he was seeking full legal and physical custody of our children, listing among other things, my conversion and the "need" to keep our children Christian. Until that point, I didn't know that religion could play a part in a custody suit. I didn't know I could lose my children for converting. I was furious, of course. He knew I had no intention of stuffing my beliefs down our children's' throats, just as I didn't as a Christian. As far as I am concerned, this choice was being driven by his parents and their fears and his anger toward me for choosing school. What was supposed to be a simple easy divorce turned out to be nothing but. 
 

The custody battle waged on for almost a year. I almost lost them to him physically (but not legally, as he dropped that) as the referee in Montcalm County couldn't say enough about Islam and my immature conversion. I was even accused by this man of potentially leaving the country. He ridiculed me for converting and it was obvious that Islam was playing a big role in his decision to award custody to my ex-husband. I had never felt truly discriminated before in my life, as I did that day. My heart felt like it dropped through the floor. Here I was, fighting to keep joint custody of our children, as I felt it was important that they have both mom and dad as much as possible and I was going to lose them over religion. Was this the USA? I was in shock. I didn't believe that this sort of thing could happen in our country. The really terrible part about it was that I had already agreed to continue raising our children as Christians. Since I believe in the interfaith movement, I had no issue with this. Still, small-town thinking in rural USA was going to take away my babies.

I fought. I praise Allah, my lawyer, and justice that the judge ruled in my favor when we protested the referee's recommendation. I had discussed the matter with CAIR and was ready to pursue the outright discrimination with them, if need be, but since I won in the long run, I decided to drop it - I had my kids, and that is what mattered most to me. I may still pursue something, to make sure that no one else in Montcalm County or the State of Michigan goes through what I went through, but I don't know if I have already waited too long. The battle was hard fought and it was a relief to my kids when they learned they were going to stay with mommy (we live two hours from each other now, so during the week they had to live either with him or me). I drive them back and forth to their father every weekend (that little caveat the judge through in still makes no sense to me - I  thought "joint" meant that we would continue to meet half-way).
 

Things now have mostly settled down. My kids have their bibles (I had to laugh that his parents thought they had to supply them with bibles for use at my house, as if I don't have 4 different versions on my shelf, already available to them, as well as almost two full shelves of Christian readings. (And many books about other religions and mythologies.) My kids know that Mommy and Daddy don't believe exactly the same. They know some Arabic and a little about Islam. They like saying Bismillah before eating. I still don't take them to the mosque, as I don't go often myself now that I am almost two hours from my home mosque. I do however drag them to Muslim Student Association and MSU Interfaith Council meetings from time to time. They've seen me in hijab without freaking out. (My daughter has her own collection of scarves because she finds them pretty) I don't wear hijab normally, but still they have seen me in one. They love their Muslim babysitter and miss her now that school is in session. My son is voiceful about being Christian and I support him. My daughter is just happy to love God at this point. We pray together in our own ways. We discuss religion without taboos. We're happy. To me, that is the best part. 

Now, there is more... and for this, I already know all the lectures that may come. I am dating a new man. Yes, I know dating is considered haram, and I know why. This man is Iraqi, but he is not Muslim. He is Chaldean Catholic (Honestly, I didn't even know this existed before). My psychologist thought this was a hoot. Isn't it ironic that in this relationship, I, the American white girl is the Muslim, and he is the Iraqi brown boy Christian. Yup, that's my life alright, I like to do things backwards. Seriously though, even as a Christian, I never thought I would ever, ever date a Catholic. Catholics were what Episcopalians were not! (but, oh, so similar)

When I saw him, I had already committed to myself that I was not going to chase any man. That if a new man was going to come into my life, he would have to find his way to me. Well, all that went out the window when I looked up from my book and saw him. I knew instantly that I had to meet him. I saw him talk to an Egyptian, Muslim friend of mine, and I hoped I would be introduced. When that didn't happen, I took matters into my own hands. (I am ever willful) I introduced myself and after some chit chat, the new guy left my friend and I alone for a few moments. My friend said to me, "You should know, he's Christian." I responded with a simple, non-committal "OK." I later found out that my friend had also told this new guy, "You should know, she's Muslim." I guess he could tell there was something in the air between us. 

That was almost 9 months ago. Sometimes we talk about religion, and he is a good sport. He's honest and has no problems agreeing to disagree with me. I know that his sentiments about Islam come from persecution he and his family suffered in Iraq, as he is here as a refuge, but he doesn't seem to hold that against me and respects my right to believe as I wish, as I respect his. I have to admit that I think it helps that we are both "liberal" and perhaps more spiritual than religious. We have talked about marriage and children, and this might be one sticking point with me, but I haven't decided yet. He knows that another baby could hurt my health a lot, and he loves my kids already. He's said we don't need to have another child or we could adopt. I asked him the "what if?" and he replied that he would want his child raised Catholic. I asked about Islam. He agreed that Islam would not be hidden and that we would allow the child to choose for him/herself with gentle guidance to love God and others from us, as I already guide my children. We both love Jesus, so that is not an issue at all, of course. On one hand, that's good enough for me, but I know that is the me now speaking. Me later might become more "religious" and might want my child raised as a Muslim instead. At the same time, I still have two children I am raising Christian... what's one more? I pray and I know that God will give me the guidance I need when the time comes.

So here I am, a esoteric-ish, post-Episcopal Christian, Muslim, divorced from a Protestant Christian, raising two non-denominational Christians, dating a Chaldean Catholic Christian. Is it easy? Most of the time. The custody battle was the only part that wasn't, and I will admit it was probably the hardest time in my life thus far. Overall though, I think interfaith relationships/marriages/families can work, with the proper attitudes, communication, cooperation, and respect. 

I think I need to call my Buddhist cousin now...