Your Politeness is Insulting Me

Most of us are taught manners starting at an early age. "Please", "Thank You", "I'm Sorry", etc. are the tools we are told to use to make it in community. First, we are taught that it is about respect. We are taught at the dinner table to use these words in the nicest way to ask for what we want and to show our appreciation for then being given what we asked for. It starts with respecting our elders, and in time, with respecting our family (mostly the siblings we quibble with and feel the least desire to be polite with). Later we find that these manners are taught to us to help us maneuver in the world at large. WHY?

A few things come to mind as I think about this. Recently, at a Campus Interfaith Council meeting that I was at, we talked about Peace and War. A couple of individuals thought that peace comes first from within before it can be extended to the outer world. As part of this, they felt that building character is very important to the process of finding peace within. I chimed in that I was pleased that my children's schools take an active role in helping kids build character by teaching them manners... by teaching them, through a national program called "Character Counts", the "proper" way to behave... just as we are supposed to be taught by our parents at the dinner table. But I think the way that the schools approach it must be different than the way most parents do. Maybe that is because schools have a larger "experience" and education behind them than most parents. Parents typically teach what they were taught. Schools have a vast array of individuals and fields of study to collaborate on their approach. But, I digress...

The next thing that comes to mind is a conversation I had recently with my boyfriend. We had been arguing and had decided to break up. I was exhausted emotionally, and was very hungry because it was late and I had not eaten yet, so I told him I wanted to get off of the phone to go find something to eat. And what did this man do? He invited me to go to his place for dinner. WHAT?! First he told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore, and then he invites me to dinner? Who does that? He does, apparently. WHY? To be polite. When I questioned him about it and told him he was crazy and confusing me, he got upset, saying that I "should have just said, 'no, thank you'" instead of getting upset. He thought I was bad mannered because I was honest in my reaction to his invitation - and I thought he was bad mannered for inviting me, when I knew he didn't actually mean it, when he was just being polite. (Unless it was a ploy... which, considering we are back together already, probably was...)

Finally, I went to dinner with a friend recently, and my friend took the bill. I thanked him for dinner, and he was insulted that I said "Thank you". He said, "There is no need for 'thank you' between friends". I admit, that friends are supposed to help each other and will often "fight" over a bill to try to be the nice one to buy. It's a game of politeness and true friendship. However, I admit, if a friend tried to pay me for watching their children or something else of that nature - a favor - I would indeed be insulted. Friends grant friends favors, at least in my world. BUT, I was raised to say "thank you" to show genuine appreciation. I do not say it to be polite. If I say it, I mean it. I am not always polite, but I do feel I have pretty good manners. I try not to lie to make someone feel better, or to mitigate power controls and fears (look up "Politeness Theory"). I say the truth as I see it, and generally I try to do it with tact. Tact. Sigh. Maybe it's all semantics. Regardless, I'd rather someone be honest with me than be "polite".


What do you think?