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Saturday, August 25, 2012

Converted to Islam, Remained Progressive - Not an Oxymoron

My Saudi scarf given to me by a dear friend

I'm progressive, and for those that know me, unapologetically so. However, I often find myself chagrined when I meet other Muslims and they look at me queerly when I tell them I accepted Islam several years ago. She's white. She's a convert (revert). She's NOT wearing hijab??? Why is it that I am expected to tow the traditional line because I used to be Christian? Why am I villianized for being a progressive? And why do I feel guilty that I am not meeting up to their expectations? (although I don't try real hard to... My ultimate concern is with Allah, not what other people think of me)

anecdote: In the spring of 2011, I spoke on a panel of converts for our Islam Awareness Week at the university I attend. I was one of three. To my right was a gentleman that converted through the Nation of Islam. To my left was a woman that converted through marriage. He was dressed without any religious attire (normal American casual dress clothes). She was in abaya and hijab. Sitting in the middle was me, regular clothes, hijab free.

The woman on my left explained to the audience that when she teaches she often get stares and she says to herself, "yes, this is what a Muslim woman looks like". I was slightly offended. When she finished, I stood up and said, "I respect what you said, but THIS is also what a Muslim woman looks like".

Still, I always find myself a bit awkward when meeting other Muslims, especially women. I have been told too many times that I wasn't "Muslim" enough. Thank God I found a community with which to belong: Muslims for Progressive Values. Find them on Facebook.

Elhamdulelah.

Interfaith Marrige Part 3, OOPS! I mean Interfaith Dating part 1.5

Upon reading a post written by a progressive Muslim man regarding dating, I replied with the following:


I hope I can answer your question about how you can be in a relationship with someone of differing beliefs without forcing your own on her. It's easy and it's difficult. The first step is very very important. Do you believe the same where it matters most to you? If yes, continue to step two, if no - move on, you will not be right together.

There are fundamental things that a couple must know about each other to determine if they can make it in the long haul: 1. religion, 2. kids and parenting style, 3. household expectations (i.e. roles), and 4. anything else that YOU personally might consider a "deal breaker". Don't compromise on these things, it will only cause resentment in the long run. Also, truly know yourself and be able to be
honest with yourself. This may sound trite to some, but I personally believe that most men and women these days do not really know themselves until close to thirty.

Step two: if you don't want religion to be an issue, it won't be, but make SURE that she is on the same page with that. My boyfriend of over a year now is Chaldean. We were each warned by a common friend that (she's a Muslim) and (he's a Christian) because of our religious differences. But, I am a progressive Muslim with a Christian family and Christian children. I'm also an interfaith advocate. He's simply not that religious. Religion is not an issue for us because we don't make it one. His exact words to me one day (after asking if he wanted to go to church with us - the kids wanted to go), "don't take me to no church and don't take me to no mosque". We do our religious things separately and we respect each others faiths.

Personally, for me, I find it is easier for me to find Christians and agnostics that accept me far more than Muslim men. Most of the Muslim men I know are very traditional. I have even been warned away from one who I thought had a true interest in me, as I was told, "he will use you for now and then his family will have him marry someone from his own community - NOT an American.

If my man and I don't make it, it will not be because of religion (I will admit rocky waters), rather it will be personal differences of which I ignored some red flags early on. If we don't make it, I really would like to be with a Muslim man, and I do want to get married again, but I fear the constant rejection from "not being Muslim enough" (yes, I have been told that) or a man that wants to reign me in.

BTW, a lesson I learned from my failed marriage and my parents successful yet turbulent marriage: commitment and hard work are extremely important. 


Also, in agreement with another poster, I said: It is better to be with someone like minded when you run the gamut with little kids. 

Marriage is a series of hills and valleys. You will not always feel in love, but you have to find ways to bring it back. Trust and COMMUNICATION are key - so is an imagination.

One last thought: "courting" sounds like what you should be doing. Ah, what I would do for a man that properly courted me (before and during our marriage). sigh.... wistful sigh....