Traditions - A Line in the Sand

Salam Alaykum, my readers! And Happy New Year! (albeit a bit late - but at least the earth is still turning with us still on it!)

My blatherings have trailed off for a time because I had become buried in the humdrum of life. Well, it hasn't been all humdrum... The holidays were fantastic as I celebrated Christmas with my family. I may know where the date of December 25th originates, and I may no longer be a card-holding Christian, but I love our family holiday traditions. This year I found that they were more important to WHO I AM than I ever before realized. 

Its interesting how life shows you your priorities when you lest expect it. My sweet man and I were traveling a few rough roads over the course of fall, but we were trying... trying t hold on to what we had found in each other, yet grappling with learning the fine technique of compromise. In this process, we fell not to blending our boundaries, but drawing them firmly in the sand. My line was Thanksgiving. 

I had told myself over and over again after my divorce that I should never allow myself to be completely lost in another person again. It is important to maintain an independent persona to avoid becoming lost, floating in the realms of depression, not knowing who you are anymore. I decided that there were certain things I was not willing to give up to keep my romantic partner happy. One of those things was the dream of having my family with me for those wonderful traditions we celebrate each year. I think that this need to have my partner at my side for such events became ever more strong due to the fact that every other year I must face them without my children, as I must now share them with their father, separately. This loss is simply too much for me to bare alone - when there IS someone in my life who (in my mind) SHOULD be there with me, understanding my pain in those moments. This past Thanksgiving was the first time I was going to not have my kids with me. And Christmas was to follow much the same. 

For reasons I still don't completely understand, my sweet man decided he did not want to attend ANY Thanksgiving with me nor with his family. I pleaded, but it was a resolute, "NO." I felt devastated. I almost didn't even go to my parents' house. I just wanted to sleep in my dark living room, on my comfy couch, with the shades drawn. Finally, I decided that the tradition was more important to me. I called him up and told him I was done. I didn't want to live this way, being alone when I thought I had a family. I picked myself up by my bootstraps and went to my parents'.

A week passed and we didn't speak. I missed my neanderthal man, but I wanted certain tings in my life, and my man by my side for the things I find important is one of them. I missed having a family, and I have a belief in the way family is "supposed" to be; at least the way I wanted it to be. 

I honestly can't recall what happened to bring us back together, but it seemed neither of us really wanted to be apart. We missed each other, no matter how much we drive each other crazy at times.  I worried as Christmas came, because I was afraid he would back out again and again I would be alone. He stayed true to his word, however, and he not only stayed with me on Christmas day (I was very willing to go to his family's Christmas, but he wanted to just stay home), but also joined my family and I when the children returned on New Years Eve. I felt whole. I had a family again.

Since our return to each other, we have learned how to compromise, even in regard to the holidays.  I can tell our love grows more and more each day, and I find that although he is not romantic in a traditional sense, he does sweet things to take care of me... he even sought out Stouffer's Mac & Cheese and a Coke for me one evening when my uterus felt like it wanted to explode. Who needs flowers when you have a sweet man to hold you and make you feel safe and loved?

Compromise is extremely important in relationships, but so is individuality. If you must draw a line in the sand, make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons. It must not be about control, but about being true to yourself. Don't forget that you fell in love with your partner because of who s/he was when you met them - do you really want to lose all of his/her individuality to the relationship? 

Gobble Gobble

Ah, Thanksgiving. A truly American holiday. Apple pie, pumpkin pie, stuffing, cranberry sauce, the relish tray, and let's not forget, the turkey. Taking turns around the table to give thanks. Food coma. Football. Ah, yes, Thanksgiving. Have you ever heard of someone boycotting Thanksgiving? (aside from vegans and PETA) and Or, uttering the words, "I don't celebrate Thanksgiving"? I'm talking about Americans... or even permanent status American residents. I hadn't until recently. I was shocked when my boyfriend said it. I figured he was being sarcastic, so I was just irritated at first. Thanksgiving is a big deal to me. Time with family. All that cooking (that I would be doing/helping with). And, the turkey. How I love turkey...

While I was stewing - and I don't mean tomatoes - or sulking, whichever you prefer, it suddenly occurred to me that perhaps he was serious. As my analytic mind was sure to go, I started trying to figure out "why?". Could it remind him that he is not yet American, and that bothers him? I doubt it. Could the idea of celebrating it go against his values? Perhaps. This made me dig deeper within the recesses of my own brain. (At this point he refused to talk, so inward was the only direction the conversation could go). Why might he take issue with this family holiday? What is this family holiday? I've been celebrating it for so long, it's just part of my "normal". 

Sadly, I was never great in history when I was younger. Names and dates still elude me, even if concepts stick now. Thanksgiving... a glimmer of a picture filled my brain... pilgrims and indians Native Americans. Eating together. Sharing food. Giving thanks for the harvest ... and the pilgrims giving thanks to the natives for helping them learn how to survive in this new land. Wow! Intercultural/Interfaith Relations! Ok, so that thought didn't really help solve the mystery. My best bet was to google Thanksgiving...

Then, I started to wonder how the Native Americans today view Thanksgiving. I honestly have no idea. Considering how the pilgrims and other newcomers paid their "thanks" in the end... I would guess it's not a warm and fuzzy holiday for them. But, what does that have to do with a man from Iraq?

So, I thought deeper. Now, I am sure I am completely off base with his particular reason for uttering "I don't celebrate it", as he likes to be sarcastic a lot, but it did put some things into a perspective I had not thought of before. During Saddam's reign, my boyfriend was a child growing into an adult. A Chaldean child in a Sunni Muslim country. I know I have had a friend tell me about his experience fleeing for his life for being an Iraqi Kurd. I know my mom was told horror stories by her Christian Iraqi nurse. And, I know that Shi'a Muslims were also terrorized by this man and his army. How does this relate? Let me explain...

Imagine living peacefully (or as peaceful as normal) in your own land. Now, imagine a new power coming in and deciding that those that are "different" need to go. *image of Hitler/Nazis comes to mind* I think perhaps, it's not so different than how the Native Americans saw the "white" people when the British and Europeans came to America and started taking over the land and resources for themselves, pushing out or killing the "different". Yes, I am sure they are so thankful. *cough, cough*

Nice holiday, right? Well... wait. What about intention? Does celebrating a holiday that may not have the most honorable history mean that we honor that history? I don't think so. It doesn't have to be that way. To me, it depends on intention. I'm Muslim and I still celebrate Christmas. Why? To me, it is not a celebration of Jesus' birth, because I know he wasn't born on December 25th. I understand the history of December 25th. I understand the pagan roots. Does celebrating Christmas make me pagan? No; no more than it makes me Christian. I celebrate because it is a beloved family time for me. It's part of my family tradition. My intention is still pure. I see Halloween much the same... it's a fun holiday, enjoy it! So, why not Thanksgiving too?

So, even after this long thought filled evening I had, I know I will be looking forward to sitting around the table come thanksgiving dinner, and I will bow my head and give thanks for my family and the good times and good food that we share, and to God, for making it possible. I will also think of those that were displaced and wish goodness and luck on their descendants. It doesn't do much, I know. How can you apologize for something that you didn't yourself do (or, in my case, neither did my ancestors)? Grant them peace and love from your own heart and understanding from your mind. Don't be too quick to judge, as you may not fully grasp the background. It's the least that we can do. 

Gobble, Gobble everyone!