Traditions - A Line in the Sand

Salam Alaykum, my readers! And Happy New Year! (albeit a bit late - but at least the earth is still turning with us still on it!)

My blatherings have trailed off for a time because I had become buried in the humdrum of life. Well, it hasn't been all humdrum... The holidays were fantastic as I celebrated Christmas with my family. I may know where the date of December 25th originates, and I may no longer be a card-holding Christian, but I love our family holiday traditions. This year I found that they were more important to WHO I AM than I ever before realized. 

Its interesting how life shows you your priorities when you lest expect it. My sweet man and I were traveling a few rough roads over the course of fall, but we were trying... trying t hold on to what we had found in each other, yet grappling with learning the fine technique of compromise. In this process, we fell not to blending our boundaries, but drawing them firmly in the sand. My line was Thanksgiving. 

I had told myself over and over again after my divorce that I should never allow myself to be completely lost in another person again. It is important to maintain an independent persona to avoid becoming lost, floating in the realms of depression, not knowing who you are anymore. I decided that there were certain things I was not willing to give up to keep my romantic partner happy. One of those things was the dream of having my family with me for those wonderful traditions we celebrate each year. I think that this need to have my partner at my side for such events became ever more strong due to the fact that every other year I must face them without my children, as I must now share them with their father, separately. This loss is simply too much for me to bare alone - when there IS someone in my life who (in my mind) SHOULD be there with me, understanding my pain in those moments. This past Thanksgiving was the first time I was going to not have my kids with me. And Christmas was to follow much the same. 

For reasons I still don't completely understand, my sweet man decided he did not want to attend ANY Thanksgiving with me nor with his family. I pleaded, but it was a resolute, "NO." I felt devastated. I almost didn't even go to my parents' house. I just wanted to sleep in my dark living room, on my comfy couch, with the shades drawn. Finally, I decided that the tradition was more important to me. I called him up and told him I was done. I didn't want to live this way, being alone when I thought I had a family. I picked myself up by my bootstraps and went to my parents'.

A week passed and we didn't speak. I missed my neanderthal man, but I wanted certain tings in my life, and my man by my side for the things I find important is one of them. I missed having a family, and I have a belief in the way family is "supposed" to be; at least the way I wanted it to be. 

I honestly can't recall what happened to bring us back together, but it seemed neither of us really wanted to be apart. We missed each other, no matter how much we drive each other crazy at times.  I worried as Christmas came, because I was afraid he would back out again and again I would be alone. He stayed true to his word, however, and he not only stayed with me on Christmas day (I was very willing to go to his family's Christmas, but he wanted to just stay home), but also joined my family and I when the children returned on New Years Eve. I felt whole. I had a family again.

Since our return to each other, we have learned how to compromise, even in regard to the holidays.  I can tell our love grows more and more each day, and I find that although he is not romantic in a traditional sense, he does sweet things to take care of me... he even sought out Stouffer's Mac & Cheese and a Coke for me one evening when my uterus felt like it wanted to explode. Who needs flowers when you have a sweet man to hold you and make you feel safe and loved?

Compromise is extremely important in relationships, but so is individuality. If you must draw a line in the sand, make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons. It must not be about control, but about being true to yourself. Don't forget that you fell in love with your partner because of who s/he was when you met them - do you really want to lose all of his/her individuality to the relationship? 

Your Politeness is Insulting Me

Most of us are taught manners starting at an early age. "Please", "Thank You", "I'm Sorry", etc. are the tools we are told to use to make it in community. First, we are taught that it is about respect. We are taught at the dinner table to use these words in the nicest way to ask for what we want and to show our appreciation for then being given what we asked for. It starts with respecting our elders, and in time, with respecting our family (mostly the siblings we quibble with and feel the least desire to be polite with). Later we find that these manners are taught to us to help us maneuver in the world at large. WHY?

A few things come to mind as I think about this. Recently, at a Campus Interfaith Council meeting that I was at, we talked about Peace and War. A couple of individuals thought that peace comes first from within before it can be extended to the outer world. As part of this, they felt that building character is very important to the process of finding peace within. I chimed in that I was pleased that my children's schools take an active role in helping kids build character by teaching them manners... by teaching them, through a national program called "Character Counts", the "proper" way to behave... just as we are supposed to be taught by our parents at the dinner table. But I think the way that the schools approach it must be different than the way most parents do. Maybe that is because schools have a larger "experience" and education behind them than most parents. Parents typically teach what they were taught. Schools have a vast array of individuals and fields of study to collaborate on their approach. But, I digress...

The next thing that comes to mind is a conversation I had recently with my boyfriend. We had been arguing and had decided to break up. I was exhausted emotionally, and was very hungry because it was late and I had not eaten yet, so I told him I wanted to get off of the phone to go find something to eat. And what did this man do? He invited me to go to his place for dinner. WHAT?! First he told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore, and then he invites me to dinner? Who does that? He does, apparently. WHY? To be polite. When I questioned him about it and told him he was crazy and confusing me, he got upset, saying that I "should have just said, 'no, thank you'" instead of getting upset. He thought I was bad mannered because I was honest in my reaction to his invitation - and I thought he was bad mannered for inviting me, when I knew he didn't actually mean it, when he was just being polite. (Unless it was a ploy... which, considering we are back together already, probably was...)

Finally, I went to dinner with a friend recently, and my friend took the bill. I thanked him for dinner, and he was insulted that I said "Thank you". He said, "There is no need for 'thank you' between friends". I admit, that friends are supposed to help each other and will often "fight" over a bill to try to be the nice one to buy. It's a game of politeness and true friendship. However, I admit, if a friend tried to pay me for watching their children or something else of that nature - a favor - I would indeed be insulted. Friends grant friends favors, at least in my world. BUT, I was raised to say "thank you" to show genuine appreciation. I do not say it to be polite. If I say it, I mean it. I am not always polite, but I do feel I have pretty good manners. I try not to lie to make someone feel better, or to mitigate power controls and fears (look up "Politeness Theory"). I say the truth as I see it, and generally I try to do it with tact. Tact. Sigh. Maybe it's all semantics. Regardless, I'd rather someone be honest with me than be "polite".


What do you think?