Originally written for my Religion in America course at MSU in November, 2013.
*Names and places have been changed to protect my family.
Our
communities – especially our families – have a great influence on how we think
and believe, as as they are the ones who raise us
and teach us, either by words or example. Sometimes the family influence is
enough that the child follows in the footsteps of the parent, and sometimes it
is enough that they choose another path. Sometimes, as in my case, they allow
for an exploration of ideas and beliefs which allows the child to choose
without forsaking the past. Although our parents and close family members (and
friends) influence our ideas and beliefs, the world around us and current
events also can have a great effect. Such events can also steer us towards or
away from a belief or religion.
Although
I found that there I might have ancestral ties to the German Emperors of the Holy
Roman Empire, not much is well known by my parents about where their ancestors' beliefs came, how strong they were, or how they practiced those beliefs. Thus,
I will start my religious history with what they do know first-hand – their parents.
On
my father’s side, my grandfather, Carl*, came from a Roman
Catholic German line that was only two generations removed from Germany. My
grandmother, Virginia*, was from a Methodist family that had several
generations of roots in America. These two families mixed because my
grandmother had a difficult time with her mother and wanted nothing more than
to irritate her. Virginia was top in her class, but desperately wanted to get away
from her home. So, she set her eyes on the “Fonzie” of her class, my
grandfather. Carl was the bad boy that perfectly irritated Virginia's mother.
They dated and when my grandmother found that she was with child, they had a
shotgun marriage. They married at the clerk’s office, as my grandmother had no
intention of converting to Roman Catholicism.
My grandfather was a trucker and spent many days on the road. As such,
and perhaps for other reasons, he was a non-practicing Catholic that smoked,
drank, and womanized. It wasn't until he fell ill with Leukemia later in life
that he slowed down and started wanting a more spiritual life. My grandmother
ultimately had an influence on him with her regular church attendance and her
nightly bible reading (not to mention the car and kitchen radios were always
dialed to Christian stations). Three years before he passed away he joined the
church that Virginia belonged to – but it wasn't a Methodist church.
Later in her adult life, my grandmother took a path away from the
Methodist church, and onto one of non-denominational Christianity by joining a Church
of Christ in Ohio. It was my father, David*, who was the driving force behind that change. David had become
involved in the One Way Crusades, a spiritual Christian movement that was part
of the nationwide Jesus Movement of the late 1960s and early 1970s
,
in their hometown of Swanton*, Ohio. He was inspired by the movement and joined
the Church of Christ
. David's enthusiasm inspired his mother, my grandmother (Virginia), to leave her family
church and also become a member of the Church of Christ (which my
grandfather later joined before his death). It was because of my fathers involvement with this American spiritual
revitalization movement that my grandmother became more religious and
conservative
in
her beliefs. My father’s religious influence didn't end with my grandmother.
David had been attending Toledo University, studying to become an engineer,
when he broke his finger in a machine at the wire factory at which he worked,
impeding his ability to complete his homework and engineering drawings in an
acceptable manner. It was because of this event and his involvement in the One
Way Crusades that the members of the church convinced him (with financial
support) to attend Great Lakes Bible College in Lansing, Michigan with the purpose of
becoming a preacher
.
My father needed some time to reflect on his beliefs, so saw this opportunity
as perfect for him and gave him a potential future, where it looked like his
future in engineering had ended. And
then he met my mother.
Denise*, my mother, was the daughter of parents that were both born and raised
Episcopalian. My grandfather, William*, was born in the Upper
Peninsula of Michigan to an Episcopalian family. He met and married my
Grandmother, Millie*, when he was stationed abroad in England in
1948. They were married at the registrar’s office, much like my parental grandparents, but for vastly different reasons. Both William and Millie were
Episcopalian
, but the Episcopal Church required a “calling of the banns” for five weeks before a marriage can be officiated in the church. William was to be heading back home to America a week after having met Millie and didn't want to leave without her, so they skipped the traditional wedding.
Once
my maternal grandparents were in the states and they both attended Episcopal Churches
regularly and even helped build an Episcopal Church in Lansing, Michigan. They
raised my mother, Denise, Episcopalian as well. Like many teens in the
late 1960s and early 1970s, Denise was very rebellious; she was a true
“hippy”. She turned rebellious in part because of her father’s alcohol use and
its influence on her and in part because of a horrid experience she had at the
hands of her date when she was 14 – she was raped, not once, but twice by the
same young man. (Many people might not realize it, but statistics show that date rape is not a rare event for teenage girls, and it often goes unreported -
please see this link for stats on teen violence, including rape). That experience threw my mother into a tail-spin that led to
drugs, alcohol, car theft, and even the circus. It also caused her to stop
believing in a God and stop attending church with her parents. It wasn't until
after she met my father that she returned to church.
My
Parents met on the campus of Great Lakes Bible College in Lansing, Michigan, as
it was
situated close to my maternal grandparents’ home. Denise and David met while my mom was skipping her high school classes and hanging out on the college campus. My father was still a “Jesus freak”
and my mother was still very rebellious and still questioning the existence of
God. She started accompanying my father to various Christian activities that he
took part in at the college, and with His House Ministries, including handing
out Bibles in downtown Lansing. Originally, she participated because she wanted
to impress David, and may have even been baptized at the Church of Christ
simply because she became engaged to my father, as she had already been
baptized in the Episcopal Church. However it started, being around my father
and his faith helped her faith in God and Jesus regrow. After their wedding in the Episcopal Church (as is the tradition for women in my family - we've all been married there),
they moved to Ohio, where my dad had already found a job. There, they regularly
attended the Church of Christ.
While
in Ohio, as young newlyweds, money was extremely tight for my parents. They
became extremely upset with the Church of Christ because when they needed
help the most, the church virtually ignored them except ask for tithes.
They had no phone, no heat, and no groceries and had specifically asked the
church for help in such difficult times. Instead of helping, the only time the
church took any interest in my parents, now that David was no longer pursuing a career as a pastor, was to visit them in
their trailer to ask them how much they would be tithing. In 1975, my parents
were living in Wauseon, Ohio, where they had met and made friends with their
neighbors, who eventually introduced them to a man and house “church” that
directly changed the way my parents viewed church and religion thereafter. That
man was Bill Hinkle.
Bill
Hinkle was a “born again”, fundamentalist, evangelical Christian that had found
God while in prison. From the stories my parents tell, he was very charismatic and
manipulative, much like the now infamous Jim Jones. Originally, my parents
enjoyed their new church and new friends. They enjoyed the fellowship that they found and felt that they belonged. They really enjoyed feeling like part
of a family, since they already had their own dreams of communal living, as
were prominent in the 1970s
. Over time, things changed in a very negative way and they found out what this "church" was really about. Hinkle taught that husbands were to be
obeyed by their wives, and that the men must beat and/or rape their wives into
submission, if necessary. The threat of violence and rape was frequently used
to control the group
.
After becoming part of Hinkle’s group, my father started hitting my
mother. He did this even while knowing in his heart it was wrong, as he often
challenged Hinkle on his teachings and didn't really want to be a part of that
church, but had gone along for my mother (she desperately needed to "belong"). He didn't even protect her from
Hinkle’s threats and the groups’ attacks. When they look back on
it now, they realize how young, naïve, and needy
they were to have been suck into such a “cult”, as they call it.
After
about a year of the new house church and realizing that things were only
getting worse in the group and in their own marriage from the violence and
abuse, my mother finally decided to get out and even left my father in the process.
She escaped back to Lansing with her parents, where she received death threats
as well as other threats of violence and rape from Hinkle if she didn't return
to the Church. In the meantime, my father also received threats from the group,
as well as admonishment for “losing control of his wife”. He did not go back to
the Church while my mother was gone, and together, they never went back when she returned to my father a week later. A month later, they decided to leave
for Lansing to start anew and get a clean break from Hinkle and his crew.
Once
in Lansing, my parents tried attending a Church of Christ, but my
mother had developed a fear of church at this point. So, the pastor of the
church came to their house and counseled my mother. From there on, my parents
were in and out of different churches because it seemed that every new one they
joined, some political issue or scandal would develop within the church and the
church would fail. On top of that, my brother was diagnosed with a brain tumor
and attending church while he was in the hospital was nearly impossible for my
parents. They eventually decided that they believed that God was everywhere and
they didn't need a church to be believers, or even to hold communion. To them,
“church” became everywhere and anywhere,
but “organized church” became nothing but dirty words. For years they were holiday Episcopalians,
returning to the church of Denise’s youth, but eventually, they decided that
they preferred church from the couch during the rise of televangelism (such as the Hour of Power - Crystal Cathedral) until even that church failed (although it has since been resurrected by Bobby Schuller). Now they are content to believe in God and the Bible, but have no use for the walls of an organized church. This
was the environment and the beliefs around which I was raised.
Because
we didn't attend church regularly and church was not a focus of our lives, Christianity
for me was always more of a way of life than adherence to a particular
doctrine. I mostly attended church with either of my grandmothers and that is
where most of my childhood religious instruction took place, with the exception
of lessons of faith from my parents.
My grandmother’s (Virginia)
church was rather conservative, as Churches of Christ were known for
and they didn't like to have children at mass, so I didn't get much from going
there, except the feeling that I wasn't wanted. My nana’s (Millie) church was
the opposite
and I enjoyed going with her. I liked going because I liked to hear the sermon
and the stories from the bible. I could always find some way that they were
speaking to me. I often thought of Jesus, as I stared up at the crucifixion
statue in front of us on the wall. I often thought of what it must have been
like to be him; how he was so strong and courageous. I suppose that he was a
hero to me. Someone to look up to, to want to be like, but I couldn't worship
him like the others did. I honored him, but I usually saved my worship for God.
That was where I started to get off track with the rest of my family and with
other Christians. I questioned the idea of Christ as God incarnate and as the
only son of God. I felt we were all God’s children in a way, that without God,
we couldn't exist. I also had a hard time thinking of God as a man. For me, God
was this big unexplainable mystery. Although I didn't believe in Jesus as God, I still asked to be baptized "in the name of God" in my early 20s. I believed it was an outward sign of an inward love and I do not regret that decision.
While I was being counselled before my baptism (as required in the Episcopal church for adult baptism), my
priest and I would have wonderful discussions and he seemed very understanding
and patient with my questions and challenges. However, it was because of these same questions that I typically wasn't allowed to participate in bible
study groups. My priest once confided in me that although he appreciated my curiosity and the way my brain worked, that some, if not many, members of the congregation would be upset by it. I was even banned from my grandmother's adult bible study when I was only a teenager. This refusal to allow questions
about what we were being taught didn't dissuade me - it only encouraged me to question things even more.
Sometime
around 2007-8 I talked to the priest of the Episcopal church my husband and I had moved to because I wanted to ask how we know if we are being called by
God (Yes, I believe I received such a call, although I didn't understand it). He suggested I needed professional help, at which point I asked why he was
a priest because I didn't sense that he had a calling like the priest of my
youth did. After he confided that he chose the cloth as a vocation, not from a
calling, and because of how he insulted me, my husband and I decided not to
return. Our issue was not with the Episcopal church, but the leader of this
particular church.
Despite the fear
of house churches that had been instilled in me from my parents, I felt drawn
to a local house church called Journey. I made my husband go with me, as I was
nervous about it. He liked it so much, that he asked to be baptized the second
time we went. I liked the way in which the church was run, as it allowed many
questions from the congregation. Everyone was considered congregate and
preacher and the idea was to try to be more like the proto-Christians of the 1st
century. Still, I sensed that over time they were getting annoyed with my
thoughts and questions, which were still very different from the rest. My
husband and I also started having marital problems as I became very ill with
Fibromyalgia, and just getting to church became practically impossible for me.
I became disillusioned with the new group as they didn't seem to notice that I
was missing or try to reach me when I couldn't leave my bed.
In order to reach
others while I was bedridden, I turned to the computer and online communities.
It was there that I was introduced to a new path. I met someone in a chat room
and immediately jumped into my favorite topic: spirituality. We discussed how
we believed in our own spirituality and discussed God. I found myself agreeing
with everything he was saying, which I found intriguing because I was never a
traditional Christian and would often come across some things to disagree on.
In the course of our conversation, I asked him, finally, what his faith was. I
was surprised when he said he was Muslim. This statement took me aback because
Islam was essentially foreign to me.
Since the
beginning of 2006, I had read about many religions and mythologies around the
globe (because of that "calling" I believe I received), yet Islam was something I knew very little about, with the exception of
what was given to us via the news media (which I never quite believed). It was
interesting to me that I met this individual, because I was indeed already
interested in learning more about Islam. I was frustrated that I didn't know
much about this religion that was the second most popular in the world. In
fact, the previous Christmas I had even asked for an English translation of the
Qur’an for Christmas. My parents laughed at my request though, saying that it
was “probably sacrilegious” to purchase it for me. Needless to say, I didn't
receive it.
After my meeting
with this individual online, I decided it was time for me to purchase the Qur’an
and read it for myself. I found by
reading the Qur'an that Islam is much like Christianity. The differences are
few, but major. The same things I questioned as a child and young woman were
explained in the Qur’an in a way that made sense to me. I was finding myself
reading what I already believed. For the most part, Islam was very easy for me
to accept. In fact, I believe I accepted it by the time I finished reading the
Qur'an the first time. It took me a while before I “officially” accepted Islam
by saying shahada with friends. My hesitation was not so much about the faith but about
social acceptance, as I knew that Muslims were frequently discriminated against
in America
,
and I happened to live in a very rural, white, Christian area. After a time
though, I decided that I believed what I believed and social acceptance or lack
thereof wasn't going to change that. I did, however, run into such
discrimination in the court system when my (now) ex-husband petitioned the court for
full custody, citing my conversion as one of the reasons the children should be
removed from me. The referee originally granted his request and made several
negative comments about Islam in court while defending his opinion. Thankfully,
the judge overturned his ruling and we maintained the joint custody arrangement
that we were already operating under.
Even with Islam, I question things. For me, if it doesn't make sense, or if I don’t
understand it, then I need to find out why. One thing I like about Islam is the
fact that I am told to use the brain God gave me. I am sure that my experience
growing up being told not to question things led me to appreciating this aspect
a lot.
When my parents
found out I converted, they were understandably confused and upset, but over
time my parents, friends, and family saw that I was the same person I had
always been. (Interestingly, one person who gave me his support from the first was the priest from my youth, who I still refer to as my priest - he said it didn't surprise him that I had accepted Islam). I’m still a loudmouthed, opinionated, liberal woman (I do tend to
get a lot of flak from the Muslim community for this fact, but have found
refuge in a group called Muslims for Progressive Values
).
In conclusion, I
can honestly say that my parent’s beliefs and experiences with church has
directly influenced me – not to cause me to join or avoid any particular
religion, but instead to explore and find what suited me best. I can definitely say that I believe in God
much because of my parents’ faith, but the looseness of structure about that
belief is what allowed me to question and seek.
Bibliography
Chryssides, George. Exploring New Religions.
London: Continuum International Publishing, 1999.
Lewis, James R. Cults: A Reference Handbook, 2nd
Ed. Santa Barbara: ABC-CLIO, Inc., 2005.
Magee, Malcom. "REL 220 Lecture." East
Lansing, September 4, 2013.