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Thursday, January 31, 2013

Traditions - A Line in the Sand

Salam Alaykum, my readers! And Happy New Year! (albeit a bit late - but at least the earth is still turning with us still on it!)

My blatherings have trailed off for a time because I had become buried in the humdrum of life. Well, it hasn't been all humdrum... The holidays were fantastic as I celebrated Christmas with my family. I may know where the date of December 25th originates, and I may no longer be a card-holding Christian, but I love our family holiday traditions. This year I found that they were more important to WHO I AM than I ever before realized. 

Its interesting how life shows you your priorities when you lest expect it. My sweet man and I were traveling a few rough roads over the course of fall, but we were trying... trying t hold on to what we had found in each other, yet grappling with learning the fine technique of compromise. In this process, we fell not to blending our boundaries, but drawing them firmly in the sand. My line was Thanksgiving. 

I had told myself over and over again after my divorce that I should never allow myself to be completely lost in another person again. It is important to maintain an independent persona to avoid becoming lost, floating in the realms of depression, not knowing who you are anymore. I decided that there were certain things I was not willing to give up to keep my romantic partner happy. One of those things was the dream of having my family with me for those wonderful traditions we celebrate each year. I think that this need to have my partner at my side for such events became ever more strong due to the fact that every other year I must face them without my children, as I must now share them with their father, separately. This loss is simply too much for me to bare alone - when there IS someone in my life who (in my mind) SHOULD be there with me, understanding my pain in those moments. This past Thanksgiving was the first time I was going to not have my kids with me. And Christmas was to follow much the same. 

For reasons I still don't completely understand, my sweet man decided he did not want to attend ANY Thanksgiving with me nor with his family. I pleaded, but it was a resolute, "NO." I felt devastated. I almost didn't even go to my parents' house. I just wanted to sleep in my dark living room, on my comfy couch, with the shades drawn. Finally, I decided that the tradition was more important to me. I called him up and told him I was done. I didn't want to live this way, being alone when I thought I had a family. I picked myself up by my bootstraps and went to my parents'.

A week passed and we didn't speak. I missed my neanderthal man, but I wanted certain tings in my life, and my man by my side for the things I find important is one of them. I missed having a family, and I have a belief in the way family is "supposed" to be; at least the way I wanted it to be. 

I honestly can't recall what happened to bring us back together, but it seemed neither of us really wanted to be apart. We missed each other, no matter how much we drive each other crazy at times.  I worried as Christmas came, because I was afraid he would back out again and again I would be alone. He stayed true to his word, however, and he not only stayed with me on Christmas day (I was very willing to go to his family's Christmas, but he wanted to just stay home), but also joined my family and I when the children returned on New Years Eve. I felt whole. I had a family again.

Since our return to each other, we have learned how to compromise, even in regard to the holidays.  I can tell our love grows more and more each day, and I find that although he is not romantic in a traditional sense, he does sweet things to take care of me... he even sought out Stouffer's Mac & Cheese and a Coke for me one evening when my uterus felt like it wanted to explode. Who needs flowers when you have a sweet man to hold you and make you feel safe and loved?

Compromise is extremely important in relationships, but so is individuality. If you must draw a line in the sand, make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons. It must not be about control, but about being true to yourself. Don't forget that you fell in love with your partner because of who s/he was when you met them - do you really want to lose all of his/her individuality to the relationship?