The next thing that comes to mind is a conversation I had recently with my boyfriend. We had been arguing and had decided to break up. I was exhausted emotionally, and was very hungry because it was late and I had not eaten yet, so I told him I wanted to get off of the phone to go find something to eat. And what did this man do? He invited me to go to his place for dinner. WHAT?! First he told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore, and then he invites me to dinner? Who does that? He does, apparently. WHY? To be polite. When I questioned him about it and told him he was crazy and confusing me, he got upset, saying that I "should have just said, 'no, thank you'" instead of getting upset. He thought I was bad mannered because I was honest in my reaction to his invitation - and I thought he was bad mannered for inviting me, when I knew he didn't actually mean it, when he was just being polite. (Unless it was a ploy... which, considering we are back together already, probably was...)
Finally, I went to dinner with a friend recently, and my friend took the bill. I thanked him for dinner, and he was insulted that I said "Thank you". He said, "There is no need for 'thank you' between friends". I admit, that friends are supposed to help each other and will often "fight" over a bill to try to be the nice one to buy. It's a game of politeness and true friendship. However, I admit, if a friend tried to pay me for watching their children or something else of that nature - a favor - I would indeed be insulted. Friends grant friends favors, at least in my world. BUT, I was raised to say "thank you" to show genuine appreciation. I do not say it to be polite. If I say it, I mean it. I am not always polite, but I do feel I have pretty good manners. I try not to lie to make someone feel better, or to mitigate power controls and fears (look up "Politeness Theory"). I say the truth as I see it, and generally I try to do it with tact. Tact. Sigh. Maybe it's all semantics. Regardless, I'd rather someone be honest with me than be "polite".
What do you think?
What do you think?
I agree that I would also appreciate honesty, how ever, there is a place for both honesty and politeness. You don’t necessarily have to like something to be polite. I hold doors for people just because...
ReplyDeleteThe other day, I was managing an antique show and I held the door open for the people coming from the parking lot into the building where the admission is taken. As a man was standing just outside the door catching a smoke, he said quizzically to me, “do you like being a doorman (woman), I answered with a enthusiastic "YES, actually I do!” I gives me a opportunity to say hello, smile, or just make eye contact, or just thank them for coming to our show. Not because I should, or have to or need to, but because I want to. I do this at work too! It’s not part of my job description, but on the days I “open” the credit union, I hold the door for the few members who are waiting at the door when we open. Some of them say “Thank You” but not all, I guess some think that it’s my job...but I really don’t care because I didn’t do it to be thanked, it’s just a perk..And yes, it shows my parents gave me good values, and taught me to be polite and have good manners...but more than that. They taught me that doing something for someone else always makes us feel better about ourselves! Just sayin! Char
This is the kid of politeness I call "good manners". It comes from the heart. You don't hold the door open to mitigate fear or tug on the power controls. You don't even do it out of obligation. You do it because you want to - it makes you feel good even. I'm talking about the politeness that is more sarcasm than good manners. The kind that is given begrudgingly or not meant at all. I agree, our parents taught us well if we smile a little brighter when we willingly use good manners. Thanks, Mom. wink, wink, nod, nod.
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